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Search Inside Yourself - The unexpected path to achieving success, happiness

I was recommended this book during a training. It is based mainly on meditation technique. Even if you don’t like the breathing exercise, or think it is useless, the book asks many questions about meta‑thinking—thinking one level higher, how others feel, and trying to better empathize. The book presents examples of great leaders, most of whom are warm people. It presents some keys to think about problems and people. It doesn’t solve them but allows you to open your eyes.

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Introduction: Searching Inside Yourself

Made at Google.
This book is full of lists of related concepts and many exercises (some of which are not worth writing down here). This summary is relatively rough; it serves more as an index of what’s in the book than a detailed analysis.

The book is easy to read, has enough illustrations and examples, and doesn’t get lost in endless stories—an ideal trade‑off for beginners.

3 Steps

1. Attention training – Create a quality of mind where you can think clearly.
2. Self‑knowledge and self‑mastery – Develop a way to analyze the stream of emotion, to better know how you react and feel.
3. Creating useful mental habits – Teach yourself special behaviors that enhance productivity.

Even an Engineer Can Thrive on Emotional Intelligence

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Definition of emotional intelligence

The ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions. [^1]

These are learned abilities, not innate.
There are five components of EI:

• Intrapersonal
  • Self‑awareness
  • Self‑regulation
  • Motivation
• Interpersonal
  • Empathy
  • Social skills

Compared to IQ, EI is a form of intelligence that helps you understand how to behave, why, and how to adapt.

Benefits

What distinguishes average from star performers:

1. Strong achievement drive and high standards
2. Capability to influence
3. Conceptual thinking
4. Analytical skills
5. Initiative / taking challenges
6. Self‑confidence

Only analytical and conceptual thinking are closely tied to IQ.

Outstanding Leadership

Leadership is about communication and trust.
Create a positive work environment where people feel like family.
Someone who leads is appreciated for many reasons:

• friendliness
• trustworthiness
• warmth
• reliability

These traits are observed among the best military leaders, not the “barking” type.

Cultivating Emotional Intelligence

The book focuses on learning how to feel people (and ourselves), not on faking behavior to look nicer in appearances.
When you understand people, behavior changes automatically.
EI is trainable, just like IQ. Neuroplasticity plus motivation are the keys.

Train Attention

Stable, strong and perceptive attention that enables calmness and clarity is essential for EI.
If you cannot pay attention to yourself and others, you won’t go far.

This is also called mindfulness.

Train Physiology

After the mind comes the body, for two reasons:

• Vividness – every emotion manifests in the body, sometimes more strongly than in the mind.
• Resolution – body signals allow high‑resolution perception of emotional intensity (e.g., a stressful situation where you become sweaty, tense, …).

The more aware we are, the better we can manage them.

An Easy Way to Practice Mindfulness in Two Minutes

The exercise is to keep consistent attention on the breath.
Notice the rhythm, the muscles, the temperature of incoming and outgoing air.

This illustrates the difference between doing and being.

• Are you merely doing your job, or being someone who improves things?
• Are you cooking or preparing healthy food to be stronger tomorrow?

When you do, you are passive, following a command. When you are, you are part of the process, you know why you are doing it, and you are fully engaged. This is the easier way.

Breathing as if Your Life Depends on It

By non‑doing, all doing becomes possible. — Lao Zi

Meditation is just mental training.
Mindfulness develops attention and meta‑attention (attention to attention, i.e., self‑monitoring).

When both are developed, the mind becomes focused, stable, and relaxed.
There is no stress while paying attention to signals.
When calm and clear, happiness emerges spontaneously, as if it were the default state of the mind.

Meditation Is Like a Sport (Without the Sweating)

The book uses a simple picture to describe the breathing process:

1. Attention – you follow the breath; you are concentrated.
2. Cognitive process – thoughts arise (what you’ll do tomorrow, what to eat tonight, etc.). You may ruminate, worry, or fantasize.
3. Attitude – to return to breath‑monitoring you must be self‑disciplined, regain attention, and do so without self‑judgment (“I’m bad at this exercise; I can’t stay focused for two seconds”). The goal is to change behavior without negative feeling.
4. Intention – focusing in the loop teaches you not to cling to thoughts (positive or negative). Letting go of negative thoughts reduces stress and improves well‑being.

Practice

The first step is intention: keep in mind that you want to do it.
Even if you have no time now, the intention will eventually stick, and you’ll start one day.

After that, practice the breathing method. Other possibilities exist (watching people move), but breathing is the simplest because you can do it anywhere, alone.

There is no special posture: sitting, standing, eyes open or closed—just be relaxed and focused on the exercise.

If you need to scratch your face, focus on the movement: notice the intention to itch, raise your arm, move the finger, and feel the sensation on the face.

Where Is the Science?

Studies on meditation’s impact on overall health show that it:

• Reduces overall stress levels.
• Increases antibody production when subjects face illness.
• Reduces the attentional blink (better detection of a sequence of symbols).
• Increases high‑amplitude gamma brain waves, which are linked to better memory, learning, and perception.

Mindfulness Without a Butt on a Cushion

Mindfulness, I declare, is useful everywhere. — Buddha

Mindfulness is valuable when you can bring that mind on demand.

Generalize Mindfulness

In daily life, take a few minutes to notice what you are doing:

• Pay attention to your food: how you chew, its taste, the saliva in your mouth.
• Notice how you walk: “I am walking,” and the step pattern (“right foot up, right foot down, left foot up …”), feeling the ground and your muscles.
• Synchronize breathing with walking if you like.
• When listening, give full attention to what the other person is saying, not to your own thoughts. Listen without interrupting, acknowledge that you are listening. Being listened to is highly appreciated.

Mindful Conversation

Three pillars:

1. Mindful listening
2. Looping – speak turn by turn; do not interrupt; share your thoughts about what has been said (not two monologues).
3. Dipping – stay concentrated on the conversation; avoid judging the other or looking away at distractions.

Sustaining the Practice

Reading theory alone isn’t enough; you must practice.

It’s easy to do the exercises for one week, then lose momentum. You may like the idea of meditation but not the practice.

Some ideas:

1. Find a friend to practice with. It’s often easier to run with someone than alone; discuss motivation and changes.
2. Do less than you think you should. If you force yourself to meet a prescribed time, you may become demotivated.
3. Practice once a day, not seven times a day on the weekend. Consistency sustains habit.

Do not push too hard. Have expectations before meditation, but not during it.

Open vs. Focused Attention

• Focused attention – a strong, undisturbed focus on a specific object or person.
• Open attention – an attentive attitude toward new objects or stimuli.

Mindfulness develops both simultaneously.

All‑Natural, Organic Self‑Confidence

You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it. — Albert Einstein

Self‑awareness – knowing one’s internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions ¹

Emotional competencies

• Emotional awareness – recognizing emotions and their physiological effects.
• Accurate self‑assessment – knowing strengths and limits.
• Self‑confidence – a sense of capability and worthiness (what matters to you beyond emotions).

In 360‑degree self‑assessments, average performers tend to overestimate their strengths; star performers rarely do. ²

Self‑confidence is not ego; it is honesty and humility.

Self‑awareness … is a neutral mode that maintains self‑reflectiveness even amid turbulent emotions.

Scan:

• Body
• Emotion

Take time to analyze each part.

Journaling

Self‑discovery by writing to yourself. You’re not communicating with anyone else; you’re transferring thoughts onto paper so you can recall your mental state. This clarifies thinking.

Spend three minutes writing:

• “How am I feeling right now?”
• “My wishes”
• “What hurts me”
• “What others are feeling” …

Do not stop until you have expressed everything you want.

Studies show that writing helps long‑term well‑being. ³

Positive Focus

• Things that give you pleasure
• Your strengths

Negative Focus

• Things that annoy you
• Your weaknesses

Later, reread what you wrote.

Emotions are not me.

Emotion is a feeling, not your identity.
Existential vs. experiential.

Riding Your Emotions Like a Horse

One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself. — Leonardo da Vinci

From compulsion to choice.

Self‑Regulation vs. Self‑Control

• Self‑control – regulating emotions and impulses.
• Trustworthiness – being honest and respecting integrity.
• Conscientiousness – taking responsibility for personal performance.
• Adaptability – flexibility in handling change.
• Innovation – feeling comfortable proposing novel ideas.

Everyone wants these competencies, but few master them all.

Self‑Regulation Is Not Suppressing Emotions

It is not denial. If you have terminal cancer, denial won’t help.

Suffering and pain differ. About 90 % of suffering stems from:

• Grasping – the mind refuses to let go.
• Aversion – the mind resists acceptance.

These are neither sensations nor perceptions.

How to experience pain vs. suffering? Mindfulness helps separate the two.

A second facet: experience pleasure without lingering after‑taste, because pleasure is fleeting.

General Principles for Dealing with Distress

1. Notice moments without pain; remember how good it feels.
2. Do not blame yourself for feeling bad—it’s a natural phenomenon.
3. Do not feed monsters! Confront the source instead of letting pain grow.
4. Start thoughts with kindness and a bit of humor; view failures as comedy when possible.

Neural Model of Emotion Regulation

When fear and anxiety arise, address the problem:

• Identify the threat source.
• Choose strategies to modulate intensity, frequency, and duration.

Control your triggers:

1. Stop – pause and reflect if you feel attacked.
2. Breathe – calm the mind with breathing.
3. Notice – identify the emotion (tension, anger, etc.).
4. Reflect – consider the other person’s perspective: “Why might they say that?”
5. Respond – craft an answer that leads to a positive outcome.

Retrospective Training

• Recall the specific event that triggered you.
• List the feelings that arose, in order.
• Note where you felt them in the body.
• Observe your current state.

From Self‑Regulation to Self‑Confidence

The first instinct with unpleasant emotions is aversion. Taming aversion also reduces rumination, which boosts self‑confidence.

Making Profits, Rowing Across Oceans, and Changing the World

The Art of Self‑Motivation

Three types of happiness ⁴:

• Pleasure – easy to get, hard to maintain.
• Passion/Flow – where performance and engagement meet.
• Higher purpose – being part of something meaningful.

Three Practices for Motivation

1. Alignment – the project’s values match yours; work feels like play, not a constraint.
2. Envisioning – you see the desired future.
3. Resilience – ability to overcome obstacles.

Complementary Vision

• Autonomy – the capability to choose.
• Mastery – continual improvement and self‑achievement.
• Purpose – long‑term impact.

Incentive Effect

• For intellectual tasks, rewards can lead to underperformance.
• For practical tasks, rewards often boost performance.

Discovering Higher Purpose

Many of us don’t start the day with “my purpose is …”. Knowing it helps conscious decision‑making.

Two questions to answer:

1. What are my core values?
2. What do I stand for?

Envisioning

Visualizing the future helps achieve goals.

Imagination Exercise
Write about your ideal life in, say, ten years. If you accomplished everything you want, what would you be doing? How would you feel? What would others say about you?

Talking about this vision:

• Increases commitment to the necessary behaviors.
• Allows others to help you (e.g., “I can introduce you to X”).

Resilience

Three training levels:

1. Inner calm
2. Emotional resilience – accept failure while staying modest in success.
3. Cognitive resilience – mental habits that sustain optimism.

Success is 99 % failure.

We tend to focus on negative feelings, making life feel harder. Optimism correlates with higher hiring success because confident people project competence. We must unlearn pessimism, pay more attention to successes, and learn from failures without judging our future abilities.

Empathy and the Monkey Business of Brain Tangos

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. — Stephen R. Covey

Compassion = suffering together.

People with high empathy better recognize feelings. Empathy is often confused with:

• Agreeing – simply accepting someone’s point of view.
• Psychologizing – trying to explain why they feel a certain way based on past experience, often to dismiss the feeling.

True empathy is receiving another’s feeling with kindness, without judgment.

Example

A company plans to shut a plant in two years:

1. Early notice – informs employees now and helps them relocate.
2. Late notice – tells them two weeks before closing with no assistance.

In the first case, employees view the company positively; in the second, negatively, because the first case respects the loss of a job as a major life issue.

Improving Empathy

“​I feel what you feel if you are similar to me.” – visual remapping of touch.

Bringing Out the Best in People

Five ways a team becomes dysfunctional:

1. Absence of trust
2. Fear of conflict – without trust, ideas aren’t expressed calmly.
3. Lack of commitment – when inputs are ignored, involvement drops.
4. Avoidance of accountability – people won’t take responsibility if they’re not part of the decision process.
5. Inattention to results – individuals want recognition for their contributions.

Empathic Listening

People love to be understood. Political awareness means recognizing emotions within an organization and the power dynamics they create. Conflicts can arise even when both sides are correct, simply because they have different goals and values.

Being Effective and Loved at the Same Time

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” — Dale Carnegie

Being Loved Is Good for Your Career

Warm managers outperform those who act like jerks ⁵.

Three Essential Skills

1. Leading with compassion – essential for effective leadership.
2. Influencing with goodness – understanding the social brain; maximize rewards, minimize threats.
3. Communicating with insight – handling difficult conversations skillfully.

Compassion Components

1. Cognitive – “I understand the other.”
2. Affective – “I feel the other.”
3. Motivational – “I want to help the other.”

Related reading: Good to Great (why some companies make the leap … and others don’t). Great leaders combine ambition with humility.

Influencing with Goodness

• Barbara Frederickson: a 3:1 positive‑to‑negative ratio improves resilience.
• John Gottman (marriage research): a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

SCARF Model (primary rewards vs. threats):

• Status – importance/seniority; predicts longevity.
• Certainty – uncertainty drains resources.
• Autonomy – feeling in control; helplessness fuels stress.
• Relatedness – perception of social bonds; love improves performance.
• Fairness – inequity (e.g., being offered 10 % while others get 90 %) triggers defensive reactions.

How to Influence People

1. Recognize that you already have influence.
2. Improve self‑confidence; knowing strengths and weaknesses boosts it.
3. Understand others and help them progress—not manipulate them.
4. Serve a larger purpose beyond personal gain.

Communicating with Insight

Difficult conversations are essential. A three‑step preparation helps:

1. Three internal questions – “Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?”
2. Decide whether to raise the issue – consider outcomes, productivity, and selfish motives.
3. Adopt the “third‑story” perspective – what would an impartial observer say?

Then:

• Explore their story and yours: listen, empathize, share, reframe.
• Problem‑solve: propose solutions meeting both sides’ interests.

We often judge ourselves by intention, and others by impact.

Behind content and emotions in every difficult conversation are identity issues.

Identity concerns are hidden but often dominate.
To prepare, practice with others, write your thoughts, and seek feedback.

Three Easy Steps to World Peace

To reach peace, teach peace. — Pope John Paul II

Happy people tend to positively impact those around them.
The author’s personal goal is to spread meditation practice and make it more scientific.

Conclusion

This book is essentially a tutorial on meditation and self‑knowledge. While many details are omitted from this summary, the practical exercises provided are valuable. The documentation is solid; the resource set isn’t huge, but it’s sufficient to open all the topics that have been addressed.

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