Never Split the Difference
How to negotiate? The author worked for the FBI as a hostage negotiator. He has a lot of past experience, shared in this book. When negotiating in tough situations, you don't appeal to rationality. See *Thinking, Fast and Slow*—you talk to the “fast” part. You need to know your adversary, get him to talk about the real issue, and create a win‑win (or at least make it seem that way). Authority is not an argument. Stay cool, stay human, don’t get angry, and take your time. This book is well illustrated, with concrete examples
Never Split the Difference
The author was a hostage negotiator for the FBI.
He presents the different things he learned during his career to deal with tough situations.
Each chapter is mostly a story, with the strategy highlighted inside.
The chapter ends with a list of key points and lessons he learned.
Table of Contents
- New Rules
- Be a Mirror
- Label‑It
- Master “No”
- Two Words
- Bend Their Reality
- Create the Illusion of Confidence
- Guarantee Execution
- Bargain Hard
- Find the Black Swan
Chapter 1 – The New Rules
Chapter 1 explains the evolution of negotiation, illustrated with the various hostage crises that occurred in the U.S.
Daniel Kahneman, who introduced the field of behavioral science, identified two reasoning systems:
- System 1, which is fast and emotional
- System 2, which is slow and rational
(See Thinking, Fast and Slow.)
In earlier hostage negotiations, negotiators talked to attackers with rational arguments, while the attackers, under stress, operated with the emotional system. This approach didn’t work. You don’t speak to the heart with rational arguments.
All the research done by the FBI aims to answer “as if” it were System 1, but using System 2 to deal with the kidnappers.
Chapter 2 – Be a Mirror
Highly educated people (PhDs, prodigies, etc.) often struggle as negotiators because they are too rational. They think they have the best arguments, so they don’t listen to the other side.
The first two pieces of advice are:
- Empathy – learn to listen to the other party. Otherwise, it feels like having two conversations at once.
- Open‑ended questions – they give the other side the feeling of control because they can answer freely and steer the conversation. This isn’t easy, as the set of possible answers is large.
Next, the author suggests slowing down. One idea is to use a calm voice. When you say “hello,” the other person often mirrors it with “hello.” Speaking calmly influences the other person; an angry tone is inappropriate. This helps move the opponent to System 2 by calming their anger, allowing them to think rationally. It also gives you an authoritative presence: you appear unflappable.
Mirroring—repeating the last few words of your counterpart—gives you more information, buys you time, and forces the other person to expose their strategy. It also demonstrates your interest and involvement in the negotiation process.
Chapter 3 – Don’t Feel Their Pain, Label It
This chapter is all about emotions. You cannot separate people from their feelings; feelings are the problem you need to address.
People want to be understood. Try to label what they feel, without inserting yourself into the conversation:
“It sounds like you’re angry because ….”
(This is better than “I think you’re angry…,” which can sound too assertive.)
Label the feeling respectfully and calmly; this helps angry people cool down. They won’t “fire” at you for labeling their emotion—they’ll simply tell you whether you’re right or wrong.
Exercise in negotiation: the “60‑seconds or she dies” scenario.
Chapter 4 – Beware “Yes” – Master “No”
This chapter is challenging to master.
Telemarketers often try to get you to say “yes” to every question by asking leading questions you can’t comfortably answer “no” to. This forces you into a state of discomfort because you don’t know where the conversation is heading. However, people are now tired of that tactic.
Instead, it is better to ask questions that invite a “no.” A “no” lets the counterpart argue, provide details, and become engaged in the conversation.
Chapter 5 – Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation
Try to get your opponent to say “that’s right,” which signals agreement on a belief.
If they say “you’re right,” that’s a warning sign—they may be trying to end the discussion.
Chapter 6 – Bend Their Reality
The idea of fairness is introduced. To stop a price bargaining from going where you don’t want, you can invoke “fairness.”
The author offers a humorous image about splitting the bill: imagine wearing one red shoe and one blue shoe to please your spouse—an absurd scenario.
A brief discussion of salary negotiation appears here. Let the other party (your boss) propose a number first; this creates an anchor that shows where you can move. Then discuss future achievements you’ll need to deliver:
- A bonus rewards past work (patents, extra projects, etc.).
- A salary increase rewards future work. If it isn’t different from today, why a raise?
Talk about what you will do, why it’s valuable, and after the discussion, add your numbers.
Odd numbers help. If you ask for $100 k–$120 k, it’s interpreted as “around that range.” Asking for $121 k feels like a precise, “magic” number, suggesting you have a solid calculation behind it.
Chapter 7 – Create the Illusion of Confidence
There are clues for forming open‑ended questions:
- Avoid “is/are,” “can,” etc.
- Use “how,” “when,” “why,” “what,” “where,” …
These are calibrated questions. They make the counterpart feel in control because they can answer at length, while you control the direction. Prepare them in advance.
Of course, you need to stay in control. Let passion dissipate, avoid emotional replies, and remain cool.
Chapter 8 – Guarantee Execution
How to spot liars? Learn their habits. Liars often speak about other people—“he/she/they,” rather than “I” or “my.” This distancing suggests they are not directly responsible and may be avoiding specifics. They may also speak longer to weave a convincing story:
- “I have a Louis Vuitton bag” versus
- “I have a Louis Vuitton bag, but I lent it to my aunt, so I can’t show it right now.”
If you notice hesitation, ask for clarification: “Are you okay? It seems you’re hesitating.”
When negotiating with an unknown person, stating your name (“I’m Japoneris”) can humanize you. A lighthearted example from the book after a discount is refused: “My name is Chris. What’s the Chris discount?”
Chapter 9 – Bargain Hard
This chapter has two parts.
Personality Types
- Analyst – slow, detail‑oriented, prefers to work alone, takes time to answer; silence is a good sign.
- Accommodator – relationship‑focused, friendly, enjoys open conversation, wants to build rapport.
- Assertive – “time is money,” fiery, prefers action over perfection, poor listener, wants to be heard.
Understanding these three personas helps you tailor your approach. You can’t afford to lose 66 % of a deal; learning each persona is essential.
A Real‑World Example
A student of Voss had to negotiate his rent. Voss introduces a rule for progressive anchoring: 65 % → 80 % → 95 % → 100 %. This “fools” the counterpart into thinking you’re making concessions, whether your anchor is low or high.
Chapter 10 – Find the Black Swan
A black swan is any unexpected piece of information that can dramatically shift the negotiation. It’s an event or fact you’ve never seen or heard before.
Beyond introducing the concept, this chapter adds little new to the book.
Conclusion
At first I disliked the constant storytelling, but the advice would be hard to understand otherwise.
I learned several useful techniques, and now I need to figure out how to practice them.
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